I should really start writing these earlier in the day but today has been a long day and I am curled up in bed in a freezing cold flat, despite having the heating on, so this feels like the perfect time to get things written down.
This is actually going to be quite a positive post, which makes me feel really good to be honest. I’ll start by rewinding a couple of days..
So, if you have read any of my previous posts you will have seen me reference my “boyfriend”, now, the truth is, he wasn’t actually my boyfriend. I explained in my first post that our relationship blossomed out of a friendship, which is true, but we were at a point where we were seeing how things went, working out whether it would work between us and things, all without the commitment of being in an actual “relationship”. Well on Wednesday we were curled up in bed together and I looked up at him and said “be my boyfriend”. It was lame, it was cheesy, and I didn’t expect him to say yes.. but he looked down at me, held me tighter and replied with “okay”. I made him confirm that he actually wanted it and that I was definitely what he wanted, but he did.. and it feels so good to be able to say
I have a boyfriend!
I know to many, many people this isn’t really a big deal but for me, it really is. Its something that I struggled to see myself doing, I didn’t want to feel this way about someone, I built my walls up so high due to a previous bad relationship that I didn’t really think I would be ready for another relationship, despite it being three years since it ended. I will be honest though, its blissful.. its scary to let someone in but I am so, so very happy with him.
In other news, I was back at the hospital today.
I have mentioned being ill in I think every post, but haven’t gone into detail about it, and I’m not going to now because its 00:50 and I am a sleepy Kezzabean. However, I do want to talk about the fact that today, I got an answer, I got a diagnosis, or as close as they can get to one.
It has a name, and that is the most amazing thing for me. Its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Theres nothing they can do for me, nothing they can give me but it has a name. I can finally start to understand what it is I have been going through for the past 22 months.
I have waited so long, been through so much, had so many tests and bad days but now that it has a name it feels like I can beat it. I can do this, I can get myself better. I will sit down at some point and write down everything about my illness, everything I have been through and will explain what the diagnosis is but for now.. I think its time for bed.
Good Night Guys,
Talk to you soon