Good Evening All,
Today I just wanted to write about how I have been feeling recently, its something that has been really effecting me and something that a lot of people will find hard to understand so it’s not something I talk about much, and that is how alone I feel.
I feel alone in my illness because I still don’t fully understand it, I’m still going back to the doctors about it, and as I write this I am on week 2 of 3 weeks off sick from work because of it, so currently I am physically alone, I don’t have the buzz of work to keep me entertained or focused, I don’t have the people around me to make me laugh when I feel sad, my boyfriend is working so for 9 hours a day, I am alone. Even when I go out to get fresh air or to pop to the shop, I feel alone, I feel vulnerable, my anxiety is at an all time high, while my mood is at an all time low.
But mentally I feel alone because no-one understands my illness, no-one around me knows how I feel and a lot of the time my boyfriend doesn’t know what to do for me which is a struggle for both of us. Its hard, I don’t feel like I can open up because I cant put it into words. I cant explain how I feel, I want to, I so desperately want to be able to say exactly how I feel but I can’t.
I realise this sounds a bit weepy and pathetic on my part, and trust me it feels it too, but it’s the truth of how I feel.
I feel vulnerable. I feel alone. I feel defeated.
I hope one day I look back on this and feel on top of the world and everything has been righted, my illness is being managed properly and I feel better.. But for right now, this is how I feel.
Talk to you soon